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I don’t want to be where I am.
I want to be on the other side of this… this chasm of unknowing. At first it was fun – at first there was a great thrill in the fact that I was looking for a new career, I was at the beginning of some new phase of my life and it was all fucking roses and happy thoughts.
But now it’s not roses and happy thoughts. Now it is researching jobs and sending in resumes and not hearing back from companies who I assume just don’t realize how awesome I am.
It’s like I go back and forth between the highs and the lows. First it’s knowing that I am bound to find something wonderful and perfect for me and then it’s feeling like I will never find anything and I’d might as well go wait tables while I slowly grow old and die.
And then there is this blog – this beautiful, new, exciting retreat that I can slip away to if only I can stop worrying about my life long enough to type about it. It is here for me day after day to express myself and release tensions in the form of words that may never be read by people who may not even know me. It is here, and in this moment so am I.
There is a wonderful human out there by the name of Amy Poehler, maybe you’ve heard of her. She was a super star of Saturday Night Live, hilarious leading lady in Parks and Recreation and witty author of her delightful book Yes Please. In that book she said this –
“You can only move if you are actually in the moment. You have to be where you are to get where you need to go.”
She’s right. We have to be in our moments. We have to live our lives one tiny, minuscule moment at a time in order to get to where we really need to be. For me that place is not a place but rather a feeling. A feeling of purpose and of belonging. A sense that I’m doing work that is necessary and appreciated. Maybe that ‘place’ is out there with work ready for me to undertake. But maybe instead that place is within me, waiting for me to create it for myself.
Whatever the case, I’m sure I have to be where I am right now, experiencing every agonizing second of it. I’m sure I need this period of uncertainty to prepare me for what is yet to come. I need to try to focus on the benefits of beginning something new and bask in the rays of wide open possibilities, even when doubt and insecurities try to rain down.
I’ll get there. Moment by moment.
*side note, I really enjoyed reading her book Yes Please. It was a quick, fun read, I recommend it to everyone but especially women.